Hello everyone. So I realized that lately, when I post something, I tend to repeat what it is I post. So, I’ve decided to delve into issues and give advice on different things. I’ve decided to talk more about my beliefs. Some of these beliefs are very different from the norm, but my website is about the black sheeps in the family. Normal doesn’t really have a place on this website.
I hope the more I hit on different topics, the more you’ll understand my philosophy, black sheep style. So here we go.
Belonging, A Basic Human Need
Today we’re going to be talking about having a sense of belonging with other people. A good example you can think of, when you think of belonging is, think about a color. Don’t spend too much time thinking about this but think of a color, any color. If belonging was a color, it would be a color and different shades of that one color.
So for example, say the color is blue. What belonging looks like is not just blue but different shades of blue. That is because, when you belong to a group, you’re a part of that group, but you still have your own individual beliefs that contribute to the group.
Belonging is so important. We are a social creature, if we do not talk, we die. Much like how a plant dies if it doesn’t get enough sun and water. With that being said, our social needs are much more important than our physical needs. This is why isolation is so bad for a person. This is why not having human interaction literally kills a person. Whether a person wants to admit it or not, if you’re not social with other people, you’re basically creating a rift between you and that person.
And, truth be told, it is impossible for you to not belong to the human race. It’s not like you can just be non-human anytime. You can’t really not belong to the human race, because you’re going to be human whether you want to or not. So, in all honesty it is IMPOSSIBLE to not belong. No matter what you do, you can’t not belong!
To demonstrate this, I want you to imagine that I have a piece of paper in front of me. The piece of paper finally says “I don’t want to be this way anymore. I’m going to separate myself from myself.” I want you to imagine me tearing that paper apart. Sure, the piece of paper is no longer one piece, it is now 2 pieces. However, did the paper really separate itself from itself? Not really, the paper is still paper.
Why Some People Are Truly Isolated
The reason why isolation exists is simply because some people have a skewed sense of belonging. They’re brought up that belonging is not belonging under the disguise of belonging. Think of it as a wolf in sheeps clothing kind of way. Sure, it may seem like we belong, but the truth of the matter is….we don’t.
Take this for example. Let’s say we have a parent who is self-centered. They can’t really see anything as part of themselves cause they don’t associate with anyone. They don’t see themselves as part of a whole. They only see themselves. That being said, if this person don’t see their son/daughter as part of themselves, that son/daughtert becomes ostracized BECAUSE of the belief that they are not like me, therefore they don’t belong to me.
So how does one become a part of the parent in this example? The answer might surprise you, but, the answer would be the equivalent of the golden child. The golden child is the one who lives up to their parents expectations, and because the parent see’s them as a part of themselves, this is actually detrimental to the golden child. Why? Because the golden child has basically completely stripped themselves of having an identity, because their identity is whatever the parent wants them to be.
Do you see how dangerous this kind of thinking is? The child, essentially, erases who they are so they can be a part of the family. The child basically thinks that the only way to belong is to do whatever the parent asks of them to do. The child ignores its own desires, thoughts, and ambitions just so they can feel safe within the family.
And, do you want to know the awesome truth behind this way of “belonging?” If it is possible for isolation, disinclusion, or ostracization to happen as a consequence from any type of behavior; there was no belonging to begin with! There’s going to be an eternal push and pull with relationships because the sense of true belonging is absent, and really the end result is isolation.
So How do you Find True Belonging?
In order to find true belonging, you have to show your true self to yourself and to others. Only then will true belonging start happening. No longer do we have to feel like we have to give up a part of ourselves to fit in, we actually start feeling belonging to people who we truly belong with.
True belonging is not having to give up somethiing, or be something different than who you are. Our relationships shouldn’t be transactions, it shouldn’t be an “if you do this for me, then I will do this for you.” Instead our relationships should be one of unconditional love and acceptance.
Here’s the thing, if you have trouble trying to find true belonging, you are coming from a concept of shame. You’re looking at yourself from a deep fundamental perspective that you don’t deserve to belong. It also hinders your ability to recognize when someone is truly attached to you. Because you are operating from shame, you feel as if no one wants to have anything to do with you, when in reality it’s quite the opposite.
The questions in our relationships should be “How can I provide a sense of belonging to this person?” And “What would I say or do differently if I consider them to be a permanent part of me?” You have to understand that you’re really hurting yourself. By saying “Oh this does not belong with me, because it’s just going to cause a problem.” is something you do to yourself. You’re denying yourself of ever having a deep connection with someone.
Try not to look at things that make you and the rest of the world different. Instead, try to look for similarities. After all, the start of any good relationship, starts with what you have in common with the other person. There’s a phase in relationships called the “individuation phase.” It’s a phase where we start noticing differences in the other person. That’s when things get hairy.
The main thing is to go back to similarities that you found in that person. Maybe try doing more things that you both enjoy. The other thing is to accept the differences in the other person as well. Accept that there are just some things that are different from the other person. Recognizing that the other person can still be who they are, while also being an individual, is the perfect formula for true belonging.
You DO Belong
Every human being needs to know that they are loved and respected. Every person should feel like they belong to something bigger than themselves. You were not meant to be an island. You are important, and therefore you belong. That’s as simple as it gets
What do you think?
What do you think about belonging? Is there something I’m missing? Comment in the comment section below and I will respond back to you asap.